Whoops! Forgive Me?

I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Not by choice, mind you, it has been the subject of several days of my conflict resolution class. It has my head all screwed up.

I'd like to start by stating that up until today I have not believed in nor practiced this thing called "forgiveness." The fact that forgiveness seems to stem from religion has little to do with it really. And I know what you're thinking, no I am not "just bitter", this has been a well thought out philosophy. It may be based somewhat on emotion but it is hard to not get emotional about such things.

Here's my issue: everyone has their own definition of what "forgiveness" means. To a Christian, forgiveness is something that you are required to ask for in order to spend eternity in heaven. In Islam, if you ask for forgiveness the other person is required to forgive you (unless you worship false idols). In the secular world forgiveness has been described by the forgiver as a letting go of destructive anger and resentment. For the forgivee however, it means something different-and this is where my issue lies.

It is common for the repentant offender of the harm to ask for forgiveness. Now, are they asking for forgiveness so that you (the expected forgiver) can release this so called destructive anger and resentment? Are they worried that you are carrying with you pent up aggression that could be affecting you negatively? Is the reason for their asking truly for your benefit? Does the Christian who sins ask for forgiveness because they are concerned that they have hurt God? Are these people, who have done something to harm you in some way now concerned for your spiritual/ mental state of being?

I'm going to go ahead and guess that no, that is not what is happening. I believe a person asks for forgiveness for themselves. They are concerned for the guilt, sorrow or frustration that they themselves feel. Don't get me wrong, I believe this is an important step for people; to admit they are wrong and ask the forgiver for forgiveness is the right thing to do. If you have caused harm to someone and feel bad for it, it is completely appropriate to acknowledge this, it is important for the process of healing. A lot of people deserve forgiveness, we make mistakes; we hurt people, we learn our lessons and we grow. In these cases the offender is asking the forgiver to excuse their behavior, to understand that they are just human, that they messed up and they need the forgiver to say "it's ok, I forgive you."

How is it though, that we can have two different definitions for forgiveness? How in one case is it focused on the forgiver; the process of letting go of destructive anger and resentment and in the other it is focused on the offender; releasing them from their guilt? Who is truly the benefactor of this forgiveness? Why is it the responsibility of the person who has been harmed to help the offender heal? Is it even important as long as both parties are gaining something positive?